My legs tell a story I do not want to know
Scars and muscles in conflict
And each stride is a reminder:
You used to be different.
And each inhalation a reminder:
This used to be you.
But now
My legs bring me to a place I don’t understand.

I once wore an invisible medallion
It was mine, you see.
A promise I would die for
A promise that I would get there.

I never did.

But then,
Then, my coach would yell, scream,
Screaming insults
And I couldn’t retaliate.
I thought I’d let my legs speak for me
But they never did.

Too fast for me,
But never fast enough.
The finish line was only ever the promise of *****,
Disappointment, loathing.
I thought I would break that time
But I never did.

And years later
Years after the screaming has ceased in my ears
It reverberates in my mind.
You’re not good enough.
I’ll never be good enough.
I never was.

Most of my life
My legs have been my saviors
A pair of angels lifting me to my destination.
But now
They are two swords
Stabbing the ground
With each step
And I want to say,
Stop.
Stop it!
But even if I did
Would they notice?
Or would they continue to strike the ground?
That’s all they know.

Each scar
A memory I wish I didn’t have
Some from poison oak –
Even now, I lose myself
In the repetitive motion
Of scratching, scratching
Scratching.
I promised myself I would stop
But I never did.
The prospect of evils beneath the surface
Tore up my sanity as I tore open my skin.
Again
And again
And again.

And some from me,
Desperately seeking proof of existence;
Some sort of biological clarity.
I never found it.

And this morning,
As I ran,
I once more met the open arms of disappointment.
Tomorrow, I will run again
Into her familiar embrace.
I suppose
I’ll never stop.

And the same ******* song
Again and again
And the melancholy violin
And a gravelly voice
And each note assaults me
And I would change the song
But to what?

I don’t know, Carrie, I don’t know
And each step
I don’t know!
Where are you going?
Why are you going?
I don’t know.
I suppose I never will.