Oct 2014
And the old Clown demands a sad goodbye in a way you can't deny,
And it turns out your the one who feels bad because you were both young Clowns together.
But now your all grown up and your fear of being dragged into old nonsense is forcing you to say goodbye.
Again.
"Goodbye." not "See you later," because you might not.
And the old Clown emphasizes your departure and your mutual goodbyes because he's not afraid of dealing with the way things are now.
He knows he probably won't ever see you again,
And he's realized it's not his choice even if it is his fault.
So he has a smile on his face and looks you in they eye and says "Goodbye."
You respond with "talk to you later"
And you know why his silent response is so loud in your head only.
And it's because you feel bad.
Not because it's your fault but because you know that he knows you won't risk being a Clown again, at least not with him.
So he looks you in the eyes with warm, comforting, open eyes chilled by remorse.
You try not to look at them again because regardless of how warm they are,
And how comforting they want to be,
The chill in those eyes pierces your heart and makes you feel like bursting at the seams with why's and how's of why your not Clowns together anymore or ever again.
He sees your pain more then you know,
Even tho you don't notice he's looking at your feet when you look up again. Only to make you comfortable.
And he would choose to make you comfortable by averting his warm empathy cooled by years of tolerance rather then force his warmth on you and risk burning you,
But only because he knows he can't comfort you anymore.
So he averts his eyes and doesn't look back.
The old Clown hopes you noticed.
He hopes that you know why he acted the way he did.
But not because he wants you to feel as bad as you do,
But because he wants you to know he's not the same fragile clown he was.
He knows that he wants but does not need your help.
The funny thing is that you were the older clown,
He's not the same young Clown you knew,
And he's just changed the way he perceived his life, and done so without actually changing his environment. And he kinda thinks you did the opposite,
And he feels bad for not helping you.
Just like you feel bad for not helping him now.
But all he really wants at this moment,
Is for you to know he doesn't need help anymore
And he won't ask.
Not because he doesn't want to be your friend again,
But because he knows he only makes you uncomfortable now.
And it turns out your the one who feels bad because you were both young Clowns together.
But now your all grown up and your fear of being dragged into old nonsense is forcing you to say goodbye.
Again.
"Goodbye." not "See you later," because you might not.
And the old Clown emphasizes your departure and your mutual goodbyes because he's not afraid of dealing with the way things are now.
He knows he probably won't ever see you again,
And he's realized it's not his choice even if it is his fault.
So he has a smile on his face and looks you in they eye and says "Goodbye."
You respond with "talk to you later"
And you know why his silent response is so loud in your head only.
And it's because you feel bad.
Not because it's your fault but because you know that he knows you won't risk being a Clown again, at least not with him.
So he looks you in the eyes with warm, comforting, open eyes chilled by remorse.
You try not to look at them again because regardless of how warm they are,
And how comforting they want to be,
The chill in those eyes pierces your heart and makes you feel like bursting at the seams with why's and how's of why your not Clowns together anymore or ever again.
He sees your pain more then you know,
Even tho you don't notice he's looking at your feet when you look up again. Only to make you comfortable.
And he would choose to make you comfortable by averting his warm empathy cooled by years of tolerance rather then force his warmth on you and risk burning you,
But only because he knows he can't comfort you anymore.
So he averts his eyes and doesn't look back.
The old Clown hopes you noticed.
He hopes that you know why he acted the way he did.
But not because he wants you to feel as bad as you do,
But because he wants you to know he's not the same fragile clown he was.
He knows that he wants but does not need your help.
The funny thing is that you were the older clown,
He's not the same young Clown you knew,
And he's just changed the way he perceived his life, and done so without actually changing his environment. And he kinda thinks you did the opposite,
And he feels bad for not helping you.
Just like you feel bad for not helping him now.
But all he really wants at this moment,
Is for you to know he doesn't need help anymore
And he won't ask.
Not because he doesn't want to be your friend again,
But because he knows he only makes you uncomfortable now.
