I wish that I could tell you
How your strength radiates
It permeates every bit of my being
Illuminating my pores
As you glow through the cloud cover
That has isolated your earth
And shakes mine to the core.

I really want to inform you
That as I left your house that afternoon
Hearing the rawness from your mother's mouth
That perfectly emulated her broken heart
And the aggression from your sister
Which is indicative of her personality
As well as her pain
My body was ready to crumble
And the saline liquid that welled in the sockets of my eyes
Was too ready to fall
But I forced myself to be strong for you.

I only desire to convey to you
That watching you be the shock absorber in your home
Is too much for me to take.
As I begin to be consumed by empathy
I try to act like things are normal
Which is almost an attempt to make things normal
And I fail miserably.

I want you so desperately to know
That it is not that I do not care
When I don't talk about it
But merely that I care too much
And over think how to act
In order to alleviate as much of your struggle as I can.

I wish I could talk to you
I wish I could let you know
I wish I could tell you
All of these things that fester in my brain cells
Chew away at the tissue in my chest
Eat my flesh, my bones, my heart
Until these thoughts are all of me
And likewise, I am all of them.

Perhaps the hardest, most challenging thing to realize
Is that I have told you everything
For the past four years.
When depression and anxiety
Bulimia and abuse all covered my world with darkness
I called you every time
You were always first.

Now, I cannot.
Now, you are the one in pain.
Now, I cannot make you feel better.
I cannot tell you any of this
And the fact of the matter is
It kills me.