Sep 2014
Another cigarette slowly withers to ashes grasped between the bruised knuckles of my index and ******* just as another burning yellow sun begins to cascade down into the deep blue and pink horizon on another day built solely to bring everyone closer to death.
I take a long drag off the cigarette before taking an equally long sip from a tumbler of whiskey. When I pick up the glass there's a ring of sweat left on the table that reminds me of an eclipse I once saw in my younger years. This was a pointless memory that was soon replaced by the burn from the bright amber spirit.
I savor the taste in my mouth, how it mixes with the blend 27 smoke. I swirl it around and feel the way that it lingers on the tip of my tongue and the way it coats my gums with its warmth. It does nothing to dull the pain that has been building inside but I continue to drink, pouring more in the tumbler until the bottle is empty; never feeling any effects.
I've become numb to the world.
I take another cigarette out of the golden brown and white box, bring it to my lips and light it with a rusted zippo that I found lying on the side of some no-name road a few years back when I was hauling illegal chemicals across state lines. I inhale, letting the acrid smoke fill my mouth before settling deep in my lungs, and exhale the excess. A thick veil of smoke clouds up in front of me and for a moment I cannot see the letter I've nailed into the wall and for that smallest of moments I forget about my troubles, my growing pain, and feel the overwhelming joy of contentment. It is fleeting. The smoke parts, fading into the corners of the room; leaving me staring once again at the note.
My eyes scan the letter and settle on the words "...one month to live." The postmark on the envelope read September 25th. It was now almost Halloween. My chest ached and I felt it cave in under the news that I had read over a dozen times already. Each time felt like a new time, that it couldn't actually be happening. But it was.
It is happening I remind myself.
The pain in my head shot to a burning brightness and I squinted my eyes as if to shield myself from some external force though I knew it to be a useless gesture. The tumor had appeared quickly and spread even faster.
About two months ago I was rewiring outlets for a building that the previous contractor had butchered. It was a simple job and I did it mindlessly, going about the work as usual until there was a searing pain shooting thru my head and I collapsed. When I awoke I was in a hospital with nurses and a doctor standing over me. They were blurry outlines of human forms and their voices were muffled. I slipped back into sleep.
When I woke up again there was only one doctor and he was staring down at a medical chart. My medical chart. He noticed my eyes open and asked questions. I did my best to answer. He told me about the tumor that had spread across my brain, that it was inoperable and the outlook was not good. He said this with all the years of professionalism a doctor can utter. A few hours later I was released.
I stared at the empty bottle of whiskey. I stared at the empty pack of cigarettes. I stared at the letter nailed on the wall. I stared at nothing.
When I stood up a wave of nausea coursed its way thru my body and I caught myself on the kitchen banister before collapsing. I slowly regained my balance and walked over to one of the kitchen drawers. I slid it out and rummaged thru it until I found the smith and Wesson .45 and took it out. I sorted thru another drawer until I found the bullets for it and took them out. I went back to the chair I was sitting in and loaded the gun methodically. I took the barrel of the gun and rested it on the right temple of my head.
I stared at the empty bottle of whiskey. I stared at the empty pack of cigarettes. I stared at the letter nailed on the wall. I stared at nothing.
And then I pulled the trigger.
I take a long drag off the cigarette before taking an equally long sip from a tumbler of whiskey. When I pick up the glass there's a ring of sweat left on the table that reminds me of an eclipse I once saw in my younger years. This was a pointless memory that was soon replaced by the burn from the bright amber spirit.
I savor the taste in my mouth, how it mixes with the blend 27 smoke. I swirl it around and feel the way that it lingers on the tip of my tongue and the way it coats my gums with its warmth. It does nothing to dull the pain that has been building inside but I continue to drink, pouring more in the tumbler until the bottle is empty; never feeling any effects.
I've become numb to the world.
I take another cigarette out of the golden brown and white box, bring it to my lips and light it with a rusted zippo that I found lying on the side of some no-name road a few years back when I was hauling illegal chemicals across state lines. I inhale, letting the acrid smoke fill my mouth before settling deep in my lungs, and exhale the excess. A thick veil of smoke clouds up in front of me and for a moment I cannot see the letter I've nailed into the wall and for that smallest of moments I forget about my troubles, my growing pain, and feel the overwhelming joy of contentment. It is fleeting. The smoke parts, fading into the corners of the room; leaving me staring once again at the note.
My eyes scan the letter and settle on the words "...one month to live." The postmark on the envelope read September 25th. It was now almost Halloween. My chest ached and I felt it cave in under the news that I had read over a dozen times already. Each time felt like a new time, that it couldn't actually be happening. But it was.
It is happening I remind myself.
The pain in my head shot to a burning brightness and I squinted my eyes as if to shield myself from some external force though I knew it to be a useless gesture. The tumor had appeared quickly and spread even faster.
About two months ago I was rewiring outlets for a building that the previous contractor had butchered. It was a simple job and I did it mindlessly, going about the work as usual until there was a searing pain shooting thru my head and I collapsed. When I awoke I was in a hospital with nurses and a doctor standing over me. They were blurry outlines of human forms and their voices were muffled. I slipped back into sleep.
When I woke up again there was only one doctor and he was staring down at a medical chart. My medical chart. He noticed my eyes open and asked questions. I did my best to answer. He told me about the tumor that had spread across my brain, that it was inoperable and the outlook was not good. He said this with all the years of professionalism a doctor can utter. A few hours later I was released.
I stared at the empty bottle of whiskey. I stared at the empty pack of cigarettes. I stared at the letter nailed on the wall. I stared at nothing.
When I stood up a wave of nausea coursed its way thru my body and I caught myself on the kitchen banister before collapsing. I slowly regained my balance and walked over to one of the kitchen drawers. I slid it out and rummaged thru it until I found the smith and Wesson .45 and took it out. I sorted thru another drawer until I found the bullets for it and took them out. I went back to the chair I was sitting in and loaded the gun methodically. I took the barrel of the gun and rested it on the right temple of my head.
I stared at the empty bottle of whiskey. I stared at the empty pack of cigarettes. I stared at the letter nailed on the wall. I stared at nothing.
And then I pulled the trigger.
