but the next day, he felt the need to tell me he'd been drinking the night before.
"i promise i meant every word i said." he soberly said. "every single one."
but darling, do you remember the way you breathed so quietly as i asked you to tell me again tomorrow? do you remember the way you stuttered when i rebuttled?
no one had ever told me they had loved me before, but
for some reason, hearing your words pointed at my ears
felt awkward -- although it should feel right, all utterly right,
you had said my full name, and i still smile when i hear my name on
the tips of your lips.
it felt like, you don't know how i feel about those lovely, lovely words
like, you don't know how i feel
like, you don't know how.

i want to eagerly love you.
in fact, i already eagerly do.
you are already in my bones. you are already in my blood.
it will be impossible to ever erase you from my mind, from the stories
i will share with the new people i will meet.
there is no way that i could forget the way you made me feel,
the way that you had lit a fiercer fire in my heart after i was sure
i would be dulled forever. i love you, for everything you have done
for me, for everything we have talked about, for all the laughs
you've dug out of me, for the way that you've showed me that
second ******* chances are so ******* worth it.

love takes trust, and i'm not quite there with you yet.
it takes a lot out of me, to trust.
i can barely trust my own mother to hold me down when i need her,
i can barely rely on my best friend to be there when i need him.
it must be a reflection of who i am as a person.

i was lying in bed this evening wondering about what i would
like to say to you, and i found myself crying into my sheets like a child;
the last time i had cried over a boy, he had broken my heart
into a million little pieces,
and i think i'd only found about a thousand parts of myself after him,
parts of me still gone, away with him.
darling, i couldn't help but think about how devastated i would be without you,
and how much i will need you more than you will ever need me,
and how much i adore you; everything about you, i adore.

baby, i can't push down this looming feeling that you will destroy me
when i least expect it,
and i don't know if i will be able to pick myself up again if it ever
comes to that.
my demons eat me alive every morning, every night, and they
won't let up, they never have.
as i rubbed my eyes at 8pm in nothing but your discarded boxers and
the same shirt i wore out with you the evening before, i couldn't
help but think about how i wouldn't want my monsters to scare you away,
for them to destroy you, too, as they had long ago taken me.

it just feels like i will never love myself enough
to allow you to love me too.
it just feels like, maybe drunk you really does love me,
maybe sober you loves me, too.
i wish i could believe you, have faith in you, trust in your words.
you told me once that i was the one good thing in your life
that you had ever felt okay about
and i skimmed over your words as if what you said didn't completely
shake my world.
you say the most beautiful things, but there's a broken person inside of me
who has a hard time understanding the way you whisper into my ear.

i love you. i will always love you.
i hope you will not hurt me,
and i will not hurt you.