I'm sitting here on my bed counting down the days
The days until I leave this place
The days until I mark another month without you
Don't worry
This is not another poem about losing her
If I've learned anything
It's that I can fall flat on my face and still manage to feel something everyday
And if you don't believe me
You can check my arms for faded scars that I used to numb my pain
I say faded because I'm 9 months clean
I say clean because I haven't caused blood to mark up my skin in a long time
I feel very accomplished
I've also learned that day by day I find new reasons to smile
Like realizing that suicide has not crossed my mind in over a year
Because I have finally found reasons to stay here and it's not just to make you happy
I've turned my self deprecating life into reflection and self healing
Which I can proudly say is starting to work
I used to sit in my room and think about all the ways that I had been defeated instead of getting up and fighting back
I was a boxer falling apart in my corner giving up before the first round started
Why did I let that happen?
It's easier to go along with everyone's negativity than to be the only one standing tall
I've never been one to follow the crowd but I let them bring my mood down
You want to know something else
The thought of being alone used to terrify me
Now I can sit happily at a park or in my room and feel nothing but positive vibes
I've made life changing changes in a few short weeks that benefit not only me but others around me
I never want to go back to that place where my best friend found me
I'm here
I'm alive
If you knew me before this poem
I couldn't always say those things