Dear people who tell me that this isn't real.


I am not obsessed with my ******* phone.
Maybe I look at it every thirty seconds because it makes me feel better to see it light up and there be a message waiting for me that will make me happier than sitting and having you scream at me ever will maybe
Maybe just maybe
Maybe you shouldn't tell me this relationship isn't real because I text her and don't talk to her
You don't know why I can't speak when she's around it's because I'm too busy staring at her lips trying to catch her gaze and knowing in my heart she's doing the same and dear people who tell me I can't have a relationship through words  and solitary one two binary code here's a thought for you
Why don't you go make yourself gay
Why don't you go sit in a living room bursting from the seams from all the hate all the silence you can't hear why don't you go tell your parents you've got your first girlfriend and
Here's a thought for you
Try to take the weird looks from your own mother and father
Try to take in the "you're too young you couldn't possibly know what you're talking about you haven't even had *** with a guy yet" like I've gotta somehow bend my body to fit in with a gender I don't partake in I shy away from you like I have to make myself uncomfortable just to prove to you--you!--that I love her.
And dear people who tell me I can't have a relationships through dial tones and vibrations
Maybe I'm just sitting here waiting on my phone because I can't physically see her because of you and the only thing we could come up with without losing each other's fingertips in the process was text messaging
Dear people who tell me that my relationship is different from yours because I word it differently
Maybe I text her because every time I blink at her and reach for her hand it's another person looking at us weird maybe we can't even be alone in the same room together maybe it's because I turn around and my mother is staring daggers into the backs of my head thinking that my girlfriend is filthy because she wears boys shirts and crops her hair short.
Guess what mommy
I look like her too
I look like her too
I look like her too
I have known her for months. I have seen her twice and maybe I couldn't contain myself then maybe I started crying as we ran from everyone and
Dear people who tell me that my love isn't valid because I send it instead of whisper it
You have never
Learned the mechanics of how to tell someone you love them
That spelling out the you and the love in I love you translates  into I feel so much pain for you but shortening it means I wanna see you again even if you cry
You have never cried from happiness at a ringtone
You have never checked your phone and blushed because she's still telling you goodnight an hour after the sun of your happiness has set
You have never spent three full minutes sweating over what to send don't tell me this isn't valid because
I know her better than I can say my own name
I know her better than I can say my own name
I know her better than I can say my own name
I know her reactions I know what she's typing before she sends it don't tell me this isn't real because my chest gets warmer then colder at every typo she makes
Because her hands are shaking
Because she's drunk
And I know every move she makes before she tells me she makes it
You cannot tell me that this isn't real because you haven't read every word of her screaming
Bottle to neck to floor to neck to lips you have never
Typed out the words
I'm drunk so help me god
I am drunk and it's because of you but I won't say so
I won't type that
Because even though it leaves a permanent mark three tiny one syllable electronic footprints on the pavement of our reality you have never seen the mistakes we make when we can't see right write the pain it will not go away and my friends
Oh god
My friends
Don't get me started on my friends
Do not tell me do not ******* tell me that my friends love me any less because we email more than we talk.
You have never gotten one picture then two of your friends wrists bleeding
You've seen it on arms but up close where you can touch it where there's no watermark of first "hey what's up look what I've done" you don't know what it's like to have the same picture to look at
Over
And over
And over again
There's no going back after you send it and maybe that's a negative
But the people in my inbox saved my life more than you created it or caused reason for it to be on the line
Those people in my contacts know me better than you do
Those people know me better than you do
Those people know me better than you do
And just because I come home every night after spending as much time as I can on my phone and away from you doesn't mean that you have to
cling to my words and every spare piece of what you know about my life
Just because I like to tell people more things about myself than I tell you doesn't mean that you can read every conversation with my back turned and pretend like nothing's wrong
You read a suicide note I sent to a friend living three thousand miles away. You read every word
You didn't say anything but to ask me what her name was and do I know how dangerous this is
Do I know how dangerous this is
Do I know how dangerous this is
Do I know how dangerous this is

The answer is yes
But I'm still walking the fine line around you
Between disgust and validation
And this is my only chance to say
That this is more real than anything you will ever have.