He wished he’d been born tough instead of already broken down in ways. Raised by an English teacher; he didn’t complain about it, but sometimes wished it was by a linebacker or first baseman instead. Jesus Christ, just look at him! He was a yard across at the shoulders yet a good shove would’ve put him on his ***. He resented it sometimes; especially considering the way he was wired. Like a pilot light that’s always looking for a reason to fire up all four burners all at once. Sometimes he wished that he could fight his way out of a bar, just once. Spend the night on a jailhouse cot. Go to the ER with a broken nose. The adult in him knows that these are foolish thoughts. He’s too old for that **** now, pushing 40. Sometimes he feels 25 and powerful. Sometimes he feels geriatric and slow. He likes himself better now than he did 10 years ago. But, then wonders what could’ve been and who he’d be if he’d been able to draw his first breath just 15 minutes sooner. In the end, he figures that maybe he’d like himself less than he does right now. That’s the only thought that saves him now and then.
The pondering of "what if" by a 39 y/o with Cerebral Palsy