will i look back at today as a happier day?
stressed out
bumming cigs  
promising myself i would quit on my birthday
even though i've been 'quitting' for 5 months now
i know im happier
but how happy can you really be when you take xanax like candy
and keep it a secret from everyone you  know so they dont worry
how happy can you be when you fantasize about emptying your stomach into a white ceramic bowl because the rush you get afterward is the only truly good feeling you've had for a while
and the only reason you let yourself get close is because he's leaving in a week anyway so it doesn't matter
and besides wasn't one okay **** better than getting close to someone?
have i become so good at feigning happiness im fooling myself?
is that what true happiness is?
all that could make me happy now is a new body with fresh lungs to ruin and a full pack of cigarettes