you never met the me I was before
you never saw me as the wrecked and sunken ship
or how my feelings showed up on the splitting of my skin
with madness comes the bruising and indentations of me

many nights for many years, yanking at my hair,
eyes bleeding tears and "I'm sorry"s
I cannot fix myself
my mind fixates on the broken parts of me that used to be the reason
I try to die
you don't understand how I carved my pain onto my skin, into permanence that I'll see
so that I will always remember that grotesque and ugly part of me
that I hide from eyes that are scratching to reach