I don't know if I should drown myself in love

Or in whiskey

Or in the ocean

Sometimes I feel like I'm hiding myself behind my cigarette

As if the thin veil of bitter smoke

And a snarky remark

Could protect me

I'm like a distorted mirror image

I might have been beautiful

But out of hatred and anger

I punched the glass

I don't even know who I am anymore

Or who I was

Or who I will be

Sometimes I'm flooded with emotion

And it takes me under and drowns me like a tsunami tide

Sometimes I'm numb

As if somehow death has found me despite my beating heart

Alcohol, drugs, stoges, blades, flames

Rebellion, hatred, stubbornness, sarcasm, spite

Have all made me completely different

From who I could have been

Had I just stayed in societies boundaries

But I couldn't

I'm an outcast by design

Designed to always be alone

So here I sit

Curled up in a sheet-less mattress

And I still don't know

I don't know if I should drown myself in love

Or in whiskey

Or in the ocean