Jul 2014
For if we were to build a relationship on quicksand, we would still question why it was so quick to slip away.
Pacing through a field of daisies, running over a trail of glass, taking a leap off the high dive, landing just short of cracking your head open on the cement, laying down in a twin size bed; alone.
Pacing leads to heavy, uneven breathing due to all the bee stings you've acquired , the trail of glass turns into shards of broken material impaling the limbs that were made to carry you. That leap escalates to you finally hitting the water, face first, sinking slowly to the bottom of a 12 foot pool. Yet, when the clock strikes 10 pm, you're not laying down in bed alone, you're laying down with 17 million other people that decided to end their day at the same time.
For when the clock strikes midnight and darkness floods in through your bedroom windows, eliminating every sign of tomorrow, silencing the sounds of the world, leaving you to battle the thoughts that won't start until half past three. That is when alone begins.
All things bad are the exact motions that follow with intentions of teaching a lesson we are bound to learn but you were supposed to be a father and father, you didn't follow. In fact, you never even tried to lead; You fled. You ran away to the military, the coward you were, the coward you always will be, you thought that you could save millions. You were wrong, you murdered, stole, buried so many innocent lives and right before you left, you tried to part of me along.
It was for nine years my mother had be convinced my dad was Prince. It was nine years before death invited itself to your dining room table. It took you nine years to impregnate, run, marry, birth, raise, sign up, destroy. It's been 17 years and a father is what you haven't been.
Ignorant sons of ******* like you are what have left 15 million of us children alone, hollow and unloved. You all open your doors wide enough for us to get a glimpse if the lives you chose to carry on, then slam the doors, leaving us to continue searching for that guiding light. You leave us in a situation where we can't truly be mad a you for leaving because you were never there to begin with. You left me searching for that light so I said, "to hell with you" and became it.
It's been 17 years and I still sit and wonder what it would have been like if I could have gotten you to stay. 17 years and a part of me still remains cold and vacant. You make me feel as if I've conformed to a life or mourning and pity as I still try to figure out if you ever had a brain or if you lost it like I've lost myself many times trying to let I'm men that would have treated me like one of their own but I couldn't because when you fled, so did my image of being held by the hands of a man that would one day walk me down the isle at my wedding. You took my image and replaced it with the un comforting thought of never being able to rest in peace because if ever, I allowed myself to get close enough, I'd slam my forehead against yours and look you dead in the eyes just long enough for you to silently absorb everything you've missed, just long enough for you to understand that you have not and never will be missed.
Instead, the part of me that went missing in 1997 will be missed and I hope whoever finds it, takes care of it and grows to know it because I never will. And instead of walking away from you, I'll walk past you because I am a creature of transformation, I am becoming what I'm meant to be. I'll walk past you because in my past is where you deserve to be.
I will no longer hold the grudge of wonder and jealousy against you, I will no longer try to hurt you back because hatred is just another form of caring and I fell short of caring when I was born; The daughter with a father, a father who couldn't care at all.
- S. Mia
July 21, 2014
Pacing through a field of daisies, running over a trail of glass, taking a leap off the high dive, landing just short of cracking your head open on the cement, laying down in a twin size bed; alone.
Pacing leads to heavy, uneven breathing due to all the bee stings you've acquired , the trail of glass turns into shards of broken material impaling the limbs that were made to carry you. That leap escalates to you finally hitting the water, face first, sinking slowly to the bottom of a 12 foot pool. Yet, when the clock strikes 10 pm, you're not laying down in bed alone, you're laying down with 17 million other people that decided to end their day at the same time.
For when the clock strikes midnight and darkness floods in through your bedroom windows, eliminating every sign of tomorrow, silencing the sounds of the world, leaving you to battle the thoughts that won't start until half past three. That is when alone begins.
All things bad are the exact motions that follow with intentions of teaching a lesson we are bound to learn but you were supposed to be a father and father, you didn't follow. In fact, you never even tried to lead; You fled. You ran away to the military, the coward you were, the coward you always will be, you thought that you could save millions. You were wrong, you murdered, stole, buried so many innocent lives and right before you left, you tried to part of me along.
It was for nine years my mother had be convinced my dad was Prince. It was nine years before death invited itself to your dining room table. It took you nine years to impregnate, run, marry, birth, raise, sign up, destroy. It's been 17 years and a father is what you haven't been.
Ignorant sons of ******* like you are what have left 15 million of us children alone, hollow and unloved. You all open your doors wide enough for us to get a glimpse if the lives you chose to carry on, then slam the doors, leaving us to continue searching for that guiding light. You leave us in a situation where we can't truly be mad a you for leaving because you were never there to begin with. You left me searching for that light so I said, "to hell with you" and became it.
It's been 17 years and I still sit and wonder what it would have been like if I could have gotten you to stay. 17 years and a part of me still remains cold and vacant. You make me feel as if I've conformed to a life or mourning and pity as I still try to figure out if you ever had a brain or if you lost it like I've lost myself many times trying to let I'm men that would have treated me like one of their own but I couldn't because when you fled, so did my image of being held by the hands of a man that would one day walk me down the isle at my wedding. You took my image and replaced it with the un comforting thought of never being able to rest in peace because if ever, I allowed myself to get close enough, I'd slam my forehead against yours and look you dead in the eyes just long enough for you to silently absorb everything you've missed, just long enough for you to understand that you have not and never will be missed.
Instead, the part of me that went missing in 1997 will be missed and I hope whoever finds it, takes care of it and grows to know it because I never will. And instead of walking away from you, I'll walk past you because I am a creature of transformation, I am becoming what I'm meant to be. I'll walk past you because in my past is where you deserve to be.
I will no longer hold the grudge of wonder and jealousy against you, I will no longer try to hurt you back because hatred is just another form of caring and I fell short of caring when I was born; The daughter with a father, a father who couldn't care at all.
- S. Mia
July 21, 2014
