Jul 2014
Uncertainty is laughing in my mind, teasing me with the possibility that your reach for me is only to keep me from going before you find my replacement.
It catches my breath in a net of anxiety, telling me that the pounding in my chest is the broken heart that will be further shattered soon enough.
Am I playing the part of an absolute fool?
Should I have just listened when you told me I was nothing to you?
Around and around I am spun, I am in love with you and you are to be mine til death, no I'm not it was just a ploy because I want you to stay close.
All the benefits of a marriage without the fidelity commitment and intimacy, this was your request.
Now you tell me that was not true, and promise to open yourself to the love in your heart and show me the truth.
A promise I've heard a thousand times before only to have brief relief.
Once before I heard this same thing from you, never was in love, made love to keep you convinced but never meant any of it, you abandoned your woman and your unborn son.
Upon your return you said you never meant it, you were just panicking, but here you have brought it up again.
Claiming that it was my fault for not listening to you then, but I did listen.
I listened so hard it nearly killed us both and only one survived.
But I also listened to all of you're proclamations of love and devotion that followed.
I listened to you speak of our union as one, or future together, I listened carefully as you described a home filed with unity, loyalty and love.
I heard and I listened carefully as you started to speak in we, us, and our.
Here we are again the ferris wheel has come full circle with the same dropping feeling in the pit of my stomach as you obliterate all that I thought was pure and true only to say you didn't mean it.
From the second I decided to give you one more chance, my heart and mind are screaming at me, "you fool!" My soul is screaming and begging not to suffer any more damage. I am terrified that that is the truth and this is the lie, that you don't want to do it but you have not found someone to take my place to feed your ego.
May God have mercy and let the real truth be known and his will be done so that I can plant my feet on solid earth. I am waiting, I am watching, I am horrified at the possibility that this is all wrong..
It catches my breath in a net of anxiety, telling me that the pounding in my chest is the broken heart that will be further shattered soon enough.
Am I playing the part of an absolute fool?
Should I have just listened when you told me I was nothing to you?
Around and around I am spun, I am in love with you and you are to be mine til death, no I'm not it was just a ploy because I want you to stay close.
All the benefits of a marriage without the fidelity commitment and intimacy, this was your request.
Now you tell me that was not true, and promise to open yourself to the love in your heart and show me the truth.
A promise I've heard a thousand times before only to have brief relief.
Once before I heard this same thing from you, never was in love, made love to keep you convinced but never meant any of it, you abandoned your woman and your unborn son.
Upon your return you said you never meant it, you were just panicking, but here you have brought it up again.
Claiming that it was my fault for not listening to you then, but I did listen.
I listened so hard it nearly killed us both and only one survived.
But I also listened to all of you're proclamations of love and devotion that followed.
I listened to you speak of our union as one, or future together, I listened carefully as you described a home filed with unity, loyalty and love.
I heard and I listened carefully as you started to speak in we, us, and our.
Here we are again the ferris wheel has come full circle with the same dropping feeling in the pit of my stomach as you obliterate all that I thought was pure and true only to say you didn't mean it.
From the second I decided to give you one more chance, my heart and mind are screaming at me, "you fool!" My soul is screaming and begging not to suffer any more damage. I am terrified that that is the truth and this is the lie, that you don't want to do it but you have not found someone to take my place to feed your ego.
May God have mercy and let the real truth be known and his will be done so that I can plant my feet on solid earth. I am waiting, I am watching, I am horrified at the possibility that this is all wrong..
