i miss you because we're going on five months of me not seeing your face. it should be four but i couldn't bring myself to visit you in the hospital. i thought oh i'll see him tomorrow. he'll be back then but after that it had been a long time since i heard about you. i assumed all was going well but i have never thought so wrongly. i will never forget the day i found out you were no longer with us. i remember every detail about that day.

it was 11:32 am and he just told me what happened to you. i went to go help a friend but my voice was too shaky to understand. they all stared waiting for me to cry but it was more so of me needing to throw up and give a tantrum. i can recall what a parent friend told me i can't even look at you. the thought of you makes me want to cry. what are we going to do without him? i ran away from her questions just like how i wanted to run from the truth. i've never felt so guilty about smiling trying to hide my pain. i went home and cried for three hours and then my friend took me out and i started to cry because i felt bad for laughing. you could no longer laugh and that wasn't fair. i should have visited. i should have written a card. i wish i would have sacrificed myself for you and if i could have i would in a second. but now we're four months past your funeral service and i still pity myself for something i have no worth to. that's the worst of it all. that i am so sad because you aren't here to make me laugh anymore or give me hugs or cry the saddest cry or tell me made up stories. i miss you, buddy.

i sure as hell i hope i go to heaven just so i can be with you again.

how selfish am i.