How do I do this?
Push away everyone I love?
Prove the ones who hate me right?
How do I not
Go to pills
Or the pipe?
I would if I could,
I would if I could.
How do I not
Just leave my house
Or leave the earth.
I would if I had the courage.
If I had the guts.

But instead I force myself
Not even to cry
To just be silent
And still
As my head goes
******* insane.
I choose
What would seem impossible
To everybody else.
Control.