Sufferance
is allowed for I can no longer smile
the sadness away from my heart!

It's a regret I share with you even
if you never speak of us

or think of me anymore...

Well I know deep down you do
and as she sweet  talks you
and
makes you laugh for a time
its still I (me) on your mind.

Little pleasure of you getting over me  

is  of her  taking my place & sharing

in what once was  my everything ...

If that's the case well Baby the same goes both ways...

In my mind  I'll always  be his (your) lady.

Listening to these words

by Heather Headly

has me once again thinking of you
and wondering~

If you dream of me?

The way we felt together
or
how you'd work out with me~

doing splits and playing like little kids.

I miss that part
of US
but then my mind turns once more
to the suffering
we both caused...

Pushed hard against walls, slapped,scratching,biting, kicks and punched!

Arguments and accusations reminds me of the times

we made love and ****** so violently, passionately, deeply....


Our breaths the only sound in the room
as


I cry tears of regret, pain,pleasure,lust and love.


How did I loose my way and let myself become
your SLAVE???

Baby born outta lies,
Feb 2011,

times changing these feeling
and
I can now understand what I thought never to forgive,

you too have been hurt, abused and misused...

Words cutting you like a knife...


Wrongs done may never make right,
now your singing her the songs you once sang & made for me.

The "marriage vows" which was supposed to be ours comes outta your mouth whispered softly in your head to her!!!

Someone who can never love you like I do,
has & still would of.


My sufferance, my sacrifices, my hurtful kind heart
can't take anymore
denying..........

Your what I crave yet I know I have to,
I must stay away.

I can never allow us to be again

after the pain and lies you said not only
about me
but about your own flesh & blood...

The seeds been sowed and I'm about to give birth!

Never would I'd of thought after begging me to
breed and give life for you,
you'd walk away

Never to look back or think of us me nor your SON.

But it's for the best,

least I keep telling my self that.


I no longer lie to myself and say:
I don't want you,
I don't crave or need you,
I can do this on my own

But I know as surely as I breath
we could of made it work
and
least he'd never  of been born outta lies,

then again the fighting
the mistrust
yelling
screaming & arguing,

sthe ****** pain and pleasures

of US.

Now I close my eyes and shed
tear after tear  
while listening to Jamie Foxx's
"Wedding VOWS' song...
The one you practiced
& sung just for me,
to me

With tears in your own lovely eyes...

My GOD  this is so hard ...

Suffering for you and letting go,

the memories haunt & hunt me
while awake or while asleep.

Last night I listen to nothing but Luther Vandross.

(Our songs & our favorite This House Is Not  A Home)

O' It took every fiber of my being

not to break down and call you....

Why am I feeling like this for you
when we both know it'll never work?

It hardly did before....

No I don't want you NO more,

I rather tell myself this over and over again

until I start to someday believe it's true.

I'm sure you already feel this way since

it took you less than 3 months to get over me & ya seed
obviously
cuz you ask her to marry you.

Haa haa  ha  it took

less then 3 weeks to ******* replace me,

I rather allow this bitterness
to seep in

instead of remember


my daily~    love for you



my~   dying need to be with you....


My


Sufferance!

Always me Ayeshah