Somehow, I knew.
I knew it couldn't last from the beginning
And I thought about ending it myself
Countless times. I convinced myself I was paranoid.
A long time ago, I felt the light fade and i tried to bring it back.
"Can we try to be innocent again,
Like we were at first?"
That's when I knew you were losing it.

I tried to hold it together.
Change myself in the smallest of ways.

I felt the light fade from you a long time ago.
I could see the fakeness in the way you looked at me.
You distanced yourself.
And i could tell that your "I love you"s had
An entirely different meaning from mine.

What were the lies and when did they happen?
How long did you feel how you felt?
Why did you imagine with me and
Dream of our life together when you couldn't see it like I could
And it scared you?
When did you lie to me?

None of it adds up, and I don't know if I want it to.
We are friends, now, no matter what,
But I wish I could have realized
What had to be done.
Maybe it would have been easier then.

I made a fool of myself, letting you come inside like that.
I trusted you when you said "forever."
And Then I noticed a pattern.
After every mission, every religious retreat,
You changed. Acted differently.
As if I was simply a sin.
And you wondered why i hated organized religion, believing what
HUMANS
Told you about God.
And I knew that changed the way you thought about me,
Just a little at a time.
And again, I convinced myself otherwise,
Because I tried for you.
I did not fight for you.
If I fought for what we had, it would not have been worth it,
Fighting is too much.
If I had to fight, it would have
Meant that i never truly loved you. That i had
To try to love you instead of feeling it.

Did you really fight?
Did you lie to me about everything?
Did you have to change to make me happy?
Was all of it for nothing?