I open the news
and expect to see a shooting
the fact is I am more shocked when we go a day without one
maybe I am desensitized to the violence surrounding me
It seems normal
to be suspicious every time a boy reaches
into his backpack in my classroom
I have worked out a game plan in case he does
what I’ve always expected him to do
I know all the exits
If he does it at lunch
I know where I’ll hide
There is a seizing fear inside me
when the band plays their drums
unexpectedly
when a car backfires on the street outside
I get dizzy with terror
slamming doors
have this same effect
I am ready to shelter in place
at any provocation
I have chosen
the five people I would save
over and over again in my head
sometimes not even including myself
and yet
my father says guns
are not an issue in this country
maybe if he saw the battleground of this new war
or if he knew
it was where he sent his child
every day to learn
he would feel differently
I look forward to summer
not because of the break from learning
but because I no longer have to worry
“Will today be the day
  My school finally makes the headlines?”