my father always keeps a hammock in the back of his car, as if one day we will camp out under a million stars. that's the kind of spontaneity i long for. the closest i have gotten was confronting you this week, and my only result was burned bridges. i have never camped out under the stars, never gotten drunk, never kissed a stranger. but i told you i was mad at you and i told you i did not care if you were mad at me too, and now it is one am and i cannot breath and i feel like i am going to throw up because i cannot stop thinking about last year at this time. i can't think of one thing that was the same. i'm not even sure i'm still the same person.