I don't know why my heart stopped when I saw you.
I don't know why I fumbled over my words more than usual.
I asked you twice nearly thrice how you were doing
and tripped into the desk
and shuffled my piles of books onto the desk-
God I was so awkward
but you just smiled and shook your head-
like you did long ago.
You asked me what I was doing
and my brain rocketed to the ends of the earth and back
desperate to find something cute, clever, and witty to say,
I so badly wanted to be interesting-
for you to think I'm interesting-
But somehow the only thing I managed to say was
"nothing"
and you smiled and looked at me with those big,m familiar brown eyes
and I couldn't place how I felt.
I couldn't keep myself from remembering.
I felt so safe in your arms,
wandering the forest
and napping in that boat
at the edge of that lake
while the party raged behind us on land.
I thought it was cool that you had been to juvy
and I'm a sucker for asians
and you didn't mind that I was a loser
and the way you pulled me closer
and burried your face in my neck-
I've only ever wanted to feel safe,
and I felt safe with you.
and today as I fumbled to act normally
I saw that you still didn't care that I was a loser,
and in all your steroid-esque muscle
and thick bag that you had put yourself together
after your third round at Juvy last year.
I don't think I ever liked you,
and you never liked me,
so I don't know what it is I feel
or why I stumbled so,
but I have a small fear inside
that worries this feeling is from seeing
that you are very much different from then,
and I am very much the same.