tell me that you do not love me with tears streaming down my cheeks; tell me that you do not want me anymore, but tell me that i am your pretty baby; that i am the prettiest one that your hands had ever touched; that i made you crumble; that i brought you the chills whenever you laid your eyes upon me; that i set your soul on fire every time you kissed my salty skin; that your friends got lost in my web of burning lies. i do not deserve you. you always treated me good. you brought me sparkling drinks in daylight and picked out colourful summer dresses for me for your mothers 60th birthday. she did not want me to come but you brought me anyway like a smitten kitten and you purred like one when you filled my empty stomach with toxic love and bubbles of laughter. you were too kind; you covered me in soft feathers and tickled my cheeks with your eyelashes, oh, your so black eyelashes. i was never good enough; you were too good for me. you made me hate myself whenever you were not around; every time i was all by myself i begged to be killed. i looked for orange pills in my medicine locker; the one i never told you about. the pills made me happy; they took me to heaven and made me cry. i wanted to cry, i wanted to be unborn like the thoughts of yesterday. why did you love me, i want you to disappear. you ruined my life, i love you beyond measure. why did you not leave me unconscious on the dance floor; i belong on the dance floor. i want to dance all night, all night long on my own. i want to drink my sparkling drinks, i want my glitter dresses back, i want loud music and fake laughter and charming men with rich fathers and lightbulbs of firework on the darkened sky. i want my heaven; i need to swallow the bottle of orange pills because i want you to disappear. i need you to disappear, but please do not leave me. i am the one who decides to leave. please, understand; i love you. oh, darling, i love you so. tell me that you do not love me with $100 mascara running down my cheeks. tell me that you do not want me anymore. you deserve someone who is not me. tell me that i am your pretty baby; that i am the prettiest one that you have ever loved.

*(k.w)