It's not that
I'm too nice to say no
To shut you down
And walk away

If I wanted to
I would
I could
I've done it before
I'm not afraid

No, that's not it

It's that
I'm not sure

What I'm really afraid of
Is passing up
Something good
Missing something
Right in front of me

I love adventures
I love risks
I love to be proved wrong
And I'm not sure of much
But I am sure
You deserve a shot
I'm curious
I'm not ready to say no
Not quite yet

Too many times
God has surprised me
Too many times
He has
Shaken me
Flashed neon signs
Flipped tables

Until finally
I understand what he wants
Until finally
I let him guide me
180 degrees
In the opposite direction

But sometimes
My love of adventures
My openness
My willingness to try
Overshadows His voice
Sometimes
Too often
I push it too far
Without even recognizing it

I'm also afraid of that
Pushing forward when there is no where else to go
Pushing forward when
In reality
I'm only headed
Back

My mind is already open
Now if I could just open my ears
And listen

But my ears,
They seem to be stuffed full
With impenetrable cotton *****
The lobes
Folded over
Glued to the tips
Stapled shut
For good measure

Everything is
Distorted
Muffled

All I hear are
Whispers
Small tendrils of noise
Silently slipping by

It's like I'm under water
And the words are stuck in the air
Jammed in the clouds
Floating away from me