I'm sorry. I'm so ******* sorry. I love you, and I'm sorry for that too. I'm insane, but you probably figured that out by now. I get so sad sometimes and I haven't a clue why, and I'm sorry I can't give you a straight answer. I'm so lost, I hate myself for everything I've ever put you through because you deserve so much better than me. I mean come on. I'm crazy. I'm so flawed and you can't see it, or maybe you choose not to. I get upset so easily and I take it out on you and I'm so ******* sorry for that too. it's not your fault. it doesn't have anything to do with you, it's a flaw in my genes and you help take it away. I'm sorry for not being who you want, I'm sorry for going crazy at the drop of a dime. I can't help it babe. I love you. I get mad for the stupidest reasons and you don't know that the aftermath of this war we constantly find our way into tears me limb from ******* limb. I can't breathe because you take my breath away and I just want you to be there. I want you to be there no matter what and I don't want to ask for help because when I ask I feel weak and I'm supposed to be strong for you and for us and for everyone. I can't show you that I'm dying because you'll blame yourself and it's got nothing to do with you. I hide all my feelings from everyone and I'm getting really sick of it honestly. I just feel like I can't open up to you because you'll see who I really am and you'll leave. like everyone else. and you left before and it was so ******* easy. how. why. I needed you. I loved you. I gave you my everything and you threw it back in my face. that killed me. you ruined me in ways you'll never know about.  I'm so scared to trust you, you're my world but I'm so scared to let you in again because of your past. I'm so terrified of being abandoned because you can find someone who's so much better than me and you will, and she'll be perfect in every way that I'm not and she'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated and I won't be able to fix it, again. and love, I know I'm pushing you away but I don't mean to. I can't lose you. I'm so scared. I'm so sorry. I'm terrified to love you because I'm so sick of being hurt. I always hurt. always. no matter what I say or do I'll always be thinking of how easily you hurt me. and I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry I can't get over it. I tried. I've been trying since November. I'm still trying today. I care about you and your well being a billion times more than you could ever care about me. and I want to open up to you, I want to tell you everything. I want so bad to let you into my world because maybe you'd understand why I'm so ****** up. but you don't care. and if I told you, you'd probably laugh in my face to be honest. I tried to tell you about my dad, but you don't care as much as you should I won't even show this to you because if I did you probably wouldn't want to read it because it's so ****** long. but I have a lot on my mind that I could never say to your face and I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry I'm not worth it. I'm not worth anything. I just want to die. it's taking all my ******* self control not to cut, and I want to so ******* bad. and I'm sorry for that too. I won't do it because I love you and I can't stand hurting you. but I'm sorry for wanting to hurt myself. I deserve it.