May 2014
This morning had a session with DT. Focus was on 3 questions that I knew I needed to answer. I made an agreement with myself that I was going to get it together and do what needed to be done... even though it scared the crap out of me.
These questions represented what I needed to be asked in order to feel ready to say what needed to be said. To say what has kept the "inner me" silenced so much lately.
The panic that rushed through my body when he asked me the first question was something I had almost forgot. It numbs your arms and your legs, but pools all of your blood in your heart causing it to beat wildly in your chest. Your breathing gets so fast it feels like you won't have enough air to continue breathing. It took me a while just to compose myself. I asked him to ask me again. Another wave of panic, but this time a little shorter. I asked him to ask me again. I sat there and thought... I stared... I closed my eyes. I told him I thought I could answer these questions if I kept my eyes closed. He asked me again:
Why are you afraid to give up control and let God take over?
(through streaming tears) He had control. He chose this for my life. He put me in that bedroom alone with him night after night. How am I supposed to let Him have control when something like that could happen again?
Why don't you trust Him?
(through sobs and tears) Because He left me. He left me in that bedroom alone. I had no one. I needed Him there and he wasn't there.
Why is it easier for you to believe there is no God than to be so hurt by this one?
Believing there is no God is so much easier. It's so much harder to think that there is a God, that He wasn't there for you when you needed Him and that you are so hurt by that.
Just like your family?
(nod)
It took me an hour to answer those 3 questions.
These questions represented what I needed to be asked in order to feel ready to say what needed to be said. To say what has kept the "inner me" silenced so much lately.
The panic that rushed through my body when he asked me the first question was something I had almost forgot. It numbs your arms and your legs, but pools all of your blood in your heart causing it to beat wildly in your chest. Your breathing gets so fast it feels like you won't have enough air to continue breathing. It took me a while just to compose myself. I asked him to ask me again. Another wave of panic, but this time a little shorter. I asked him to ask me again. I sat there and thought... I stared... I closed my eyes. I told him I thought I could answer these questions if I kept my eyes closed. He asked me again:
Why are you afraid to give up control and let God take over?
(through streaming tears) He had control. He chose this for my life. He put me in that bedroom alone with him night after night. How am I supposed to let Him have control when something like that could happen again?
Why don't you trust Him?
(through sobs and tears) Because He left me. He left me in that bedroom alone. I had no one. I needed Him there and he wasn't there.
Why is it easier for you to believe there is no God than to be so hurt by this one?
Believing there is no God is so much easier. It's so much harder to think that there is a God, that He wasn't there for you when you needed Him and that you are so hurt by that.
Just like your family?
(nod)
It took me an hour to answer those 3 questions.
Free will is what it is, so God doesn't cause things to happen, but he does allow them. Stopping them negates free will. So getting myself to a place where I can acknowledge the difference is a first step.
