Sometimes I wish I was better at goodbyes. Maybe instead of saying, "See you tomorrow." I could've said, "See you as the seconds become too much of a forever for me to understand time."
Maybe if I was better at goodbyes, I wouldn't have to be so shocked to see you walk pace after pace to put distance in between my body and my heart.
Maybe if I was better at goodbyes, I wouldn't be filling up pages with hope and a loose grip trying to keep you in a place you don't want to be.
Maybe the entire matter of saying goodbye wouldn't be an issue if I followed every hello with a, "May you live long and well without me."
I've been wandering the unlit streets for so long that when a light begins to shine in the eternal night, I latch on to it like a leech latches on to scarlet filled bodies until I've burned out the light.
And I'm so terribly sorry for all the woes I've added to yours and I am forever in your debt; a debt I cannot repay with words or a life.
I'm sorry for the way my shadow casts out your light and the way my hands hold on for longer than you want them to but I've been alone for a long time and I overcompensate my loneliness with what you don't wish to give.
I live my life trying to repay my debts but I am neither oath bound nor promised to you. Nonetheless every drop of life I can give, I will give.
Every ounce of pain I can take, I will take.
And I will not love; for love is a luxury meant to those who deserve it and I don't.
The only goodbye I can muster is the whispers in the wind of the way I could've loved you and every wave of grief the ocean sends as an apology to the shore for leaving so abruptly.
A goodbye was expected and a goodbye will be given
A goodbye you will have to accept and a goodbye I have no choice but to give
For the leaves have long weathered its branches and a parasite is only living through the things it kills and I have killed.
I have killed my strength
I have killed my belief
I have killed my happiness
I have killed you
My limbs are not strong and my arms cannot hold you
My eyes are brimming with pain and I cannot translate unheard promises to you
My ears are covered and I cannot hear your pleas
All I know is the pain of goodbyes and it is all I can ever be
Maybe if I were better at letting myself fall into fierce torrents of water
Maybe if I were better at being a friend, a sister, a student, a daughter, a follower
Maybe if I deserved a sense of happiness and love
Maybe
Maybe then I could be saved
But I am not
And I'm afraid its too late to be saved