We stood in a room
With pale, rose colored walls
The veneer flaking like dead skin
The light flickering
It was the heart
The core inside of this machine
Pulsing, throbbing, *******
I stood before the most beautiful woman
She used to be much more to me
But she was an object in this room
Subjective to my emotion; to my imagination
A pawn to be pushed and shoved
She wore a decrepit ballerina’s garb
And the dainty shoes of the dancer were worn and discolored
She looked like a zombie of herself
Her face was whitened with experience: trauma
I did not love her anymore
I could not love her again
Her hair was all that remained the same as when I knew her
Long and calm; her hair seemed to be carried by the winds when she moved
I had always said I wanted to see her dance
Against all odds and broken plans to be together
We met finally
In this run down studio apartment she worked herself to the bone to keep
She had a friend install a mirror across an entire wall of the place
So she could watch herself for mistakes
She should’ve had a mirror up her whole life
As to check for flaws
There was no music to play
So she asked me to sing, so she could dance for me
I joked to her once that when I finally saw her dance it would be on Broadway
Well this is as close to Broadway as either of us will ever get
As she moved and swayed and spun
I thought about when we first met
She was a girl still, I was a boy then
But love cuts like a razor’s edge
Lopping off all the best parts
Until there’s only steel left in our hearts
I couldn’t help but fantasize as she leapt and poised like tendrils of smoke
I sung an old song, one I learned when my heart broke
She recognized it
But didn’t say a thing
There was consequence for every action
And a price to pay for every prayer
I prayed she’d ask me to stay the night when she was through
I begged some unnatural force to give her to me
To let me have her in every way
All to myself
I stopped singing and a choke of feelings swelled up in my neck and belly
I wish she’d come up to me and cut them loose
With her sharp, sensual lips
Even though her clothes were sweaty
I admired the work she put in for her dream
Even though I’d been more successful with less
I suppose I’m just prettier than she
No matter how silly that seems
She smiled and hugged me
She felt soft against my tired body; a form chipped away at by the day to day
She was warm and I was cold
I missed her all these years
I needed her all this time
The clot stuffed in my throat popped
And we finally talked
I told her how the rain was in Washington
And she told me about the morning sea fog that slinked around San Francisco
I mentioned I still hadn’t fallen in love
She blushed and said she’d had no luck
I asked her if she wanted to ****
No
No
No
Don’t be silly she laughed
Flicking my ear, as a tease to the fox
She turned away from me and did a pirouette to the cabinet
Pulling out two glasses and a bottle of cheap wine
Her gesture said stay
I couldn’t go if I wanted to anyways
So we indulged in the nostalgia from when we were kids
When I was a poet
And she was misunderstood
When she hurt my feelings
And I was no good
She laughed until tears streamed down her face
Breaking down she asked me
If I meant it when I said I’d love her forever
And I asked her to marry me
She smiled and kissed me
Then she pulled away fast
Time for bed
You can sleep on the floor- it’s more comfortable than the couch
I heard her say
I never thought it would end this way
To be truthful though
I don’t think that this is the end
The end hurts
But this felt nice, a sordid, moldy, stagnant pleasure
Light as a feather on my chest
Sharp as a sword jutting from your breast
This was love
I was convinced
It was either love
Or the urge to feed
To plunge myself into her
And let the sorrow breed
To learn the difference between want and need
In the morning she woke me up with coffee
Coffee and ****
We drank
We smoked
She seemed distant
So I took my prodding words and poked
Looking for a ****** expression that signified she was provoked
I wanted to see some life in those grey eyes of hers
Eyes once blue
Long ago, before the seven winds kissed the matching seas
And all the hurricanes settled into a breeze
I told her that she was a tease
Wearing nothing but a t-shirt that came down to her knees
I asked her if I could touch her please
I wanted her so bad
It was that sensation you feel when something is just an inch out of reach
Or when you’re pulling off of your skin a fat leech
She scrunched her nose playfully
But when she made that face I knew it meant to stop asking
I was the asker though
A man with a thousand questions
Doomed to never know
Anxious and eager and yearning
It had been years since I had seen her
Years since I felt the blood in my veins turn hot
My heart was beating like the drums that lead William Wallace to victory
I was hungry
I was toiling in the reawakened parts of myself
Seeing her was like reaching nirvana
But I was never one for meditating
Too impatient
Too many things titillating
She felt like a stranger that I knew so well
Every word she spoke was a mile from hell
But I liked her hot
And I liked her cold
I said I wanted to spend the night again
But this time in her bed
She rolled her eyes and poured me more coffee
Her cheeks turned pink
What was right in her mind told me no
But the look in her eyes said “take me”
I would
I would
I would darling, baby
Biting my bottom lip for a few seconds of hesitation
I brought my face to hers and kissed her softly
She leaned into it hard and I put my hands on her hips
I fell backward on the couch we lounged on
Pulling her onto me
The tremble in my hands
Said I had no idea what I was doing
But the look in my eye
The sparkle of being with her finally
Felt like water overfilling a well
I felt like I belonged finally
I belonged with her; my home was where she was
Even this decaying San Franciscan studio apartment felt like heaven
I never thought I would ever be allowed to feel this way
Like there was a place with no boundaries
When we finished the world outside of us two in those moments
Was a quagmire
My lust, desire
It died at long last
Closure finally crept into my life
I was positive we weren’t in love
But I asked again for her to be my wife
I said I didn’t have a ring but I’d buy her one
****, I’d buy her anything
I told her she didn’t have to come live with me
I’d sell my things and come be with her
She just smiled
I knew she thought that idea was nice
But she digressed that what I felt was a temporary thing
And I’d change my mind
Once I left this place
I did change my mind
When I left and had to put my life into perspective
I decided to never come back
Though my mind changed
My heart didn’t move on
It belonged to her and she was long gone
It made me wonder if there really is a place
For lonely people like me
Or maybe everything is just fleeting and temporary
Life and love
****, they’re scary.