What a city to be sad in
But I find myself smiling in the blackness of the night
It’s unlike any other sadness
Unlike any other blackness
It’s almost like coffee
Warm, bitter, but it fills me with vim and vigor
I can’t help but take another sip
I can’t help but let myself slip
I’m glad though
That of all the places I could’ve picked to be sad
That I picked this city
Its tall buildings stretching to the skies

“Space needle”
Ever lovingly injecting the veins of the cosmos
With that electric ****** that breaks hearts so easily
That hazy neon buzz up in the sky…
It is our drugs, which we pump into the night
But like I said—I’m glad
I’m proud of my human arrogance
I allow myself to revel in the marvels that it has made
Arrogance illuminates us like that faint twinkle of the stars
Nestled deep up in that black mass
A glow
Hope
Something to hold on to
Even when we’re sad

  Sometimes I think I’d still be off in the **** hole I rolled out of
If I were ever capable of truly, and earnestly loving—falling in love moreover
Maybe then this would make more sense (This loneliness I guess)
As for now though I have no explanation
For my grief
So in my absence of reason
My debt to my heart grows/goes unpaid
Until the day I drown in it
As if love were an inexorable and starving beast/wave
To hunt me down/crash up against me
But in truth
I suppose I like the attention
The strife

  This city is nothing to me
I lust/long/live to leave it
There is this innate sense of starvation
Throbbing in the core of me
I cannot feed it; I’ve tried for the life of me to see past my insatiable hunger for life
“The Life”
That’s the dream that all of us busy bees buzz on for
Like dying neon we flicker and click
Year after year
Life after life
Death after death
We yearn to live a little
Before we die

  I’ve never met anyone though who has made it out of life happy
We’re all just zombies
Un-beautiful creatures that dredge on the same way the storms will always roll
The same way trees will always grow
We just go
On and on
And on
And on

  At least this city has a view—even if it’s just a picture of itself
This city is so consumed by itself; it’s a snake swallowing its tail
Of all the universes/galaxies/star cluster/solar systems/life sustaining planets
I’m stuck in this one/on this planet.  Maybe I’m just depressed but sometimes I wonder why we can’t be chewed up and spit out by a black hole
All the scientists say there is one forming
That black hole devour all the empty space
That they eat everything, and all the nothing in between space and time
I’m all for anything that promises to strike the ‘nothingness’ from “me”
Me
I use that word like I own it
“me”
I find it strange what we consider ourselves to be
Am I soul or a heart or my clothes or my ****?
I suppose what we are is decided by who perceives us
All I see when I open my eyes and look around
Is… dreamers
Eyes bright like stars
Scanning, monitoring, skimming
Shooting flares and in the wake of their gazes
They burn everything in sight (everything they can see)
It’s said that eyes are portals to the soul
If that’s true
Souls must be horrifying things

Payday is tomorrow for me
I am proud of myself on payday
Even though I still can’t afford my wonderment to come true
I am happy that tomorrow I’ll get to eat
Thought I may be eating alone, sad, and in this city
I’ll get to eat
I’ll taste the warm flesh of fresh baked bread
The cold trickle of ice water down my throat
I’m proud of myself because I can afford at least that
I can eat
I can eat!
I CAN EAT!
On my dollar
On my blood
Sweat
I spent billions of years floating endlessly out there in the blackness
To smash atoms and come together from excess stardust (wasted stardust)
And become a hu(man) so I can waste my life
Slaving away for bread and water
And to burn all my savings on love and hurt
**** everyone who says life is meaningless
I admit it!
I admit that I’m depressed, that I can be suicidal
I admit that I don’t care sometimes
That sometimes the swerve and flow and siren songs of this city makes me want to jump off a bridge and splat like asteroids against atmosphere
But you know what?
I’d say all this feeling, these emotions
They’re worth the billions of years my atoms wasted trying to find themselves
All the pain and suffering is better than being as uselessly mysterious as black matter
Twisting and growing out in the empty (empty?) space between stars


Even if I die in debt
I’ll be happy that I lived
That through all the tremendous moments of un-defeatable darkness
I decided to live
It hasn’t paid off yet
But I live in faith that it will before I die
That I will make my name ring like war drums through this city
That my name will be at the tip of every tongue
That my name will stamp every atom and  molecule of my people
Here in this city
In every city
On this earth and on every earth
In this life
And in the next
After this death
Until my last.

I still think about you
when I feel alone
I hope that you are well
and happy
I flatter myself
by imagining
that you still think of me too
that you wonder if I'm well
I am doing great
Just fine actually
I am happy

Sorry isn't the right word for what I am
No word I know
Comes even a little close
to describing my remorse
And you know how many dictionaries I own
For lack of a better word
I'm sorry
I am a destroyer
Not like that's an excuse
But you knew what you were getting into

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie
My sweetest old friend
I'm happy to announce to you
(after all my blood, sweat and tears)
That I am finally close to becoming
The man I always tried to be for you
For someone new
You two would probably get along
and laugh about the stories of me you have

I hope you're happy darling
Because  I finally am

I can be loved
It's been proven
I've been loved
I've been adored
So you'd think by now
That I'd know how to love
how to adore
But when someone shows me their soft underbelly
I tense up so much
I get so afraid of how much they trust
so I just cut out the middle and skip right to the end
It's so much easier to never talk to you and still call you my friend
Easier than the struggle that falling for you would've wrought
So when it comes to lessons of love and adoration
I just pretend I've forgot

I never was, still am not
Much obliged and with holes fraught
I always promised but never did
I always fired and missed

You never called, but I still waited
You never cried but I was hated
But it’s alright
it’s just fine
I was wrong
I was out of line

I never thought that my brown locks through our long talks
Would ever fade to gray strands of hair
I never came to my peace; forever rested it at least
Onto eyes of blue and clouds of you

I tried to smile and convince you
I was a good guy
but not you
Not fooled by all my lies
Head too smart to be permeated

I never said what I really felt
I just announced to empty halls
Feelings I thought you wanted to hear
My telephone still laughing: no missed calls

No matter still, whether or not my heart will
I miss you here and there and now
I try to forget but never learn how
I never breathed the breath fast enough

I wish you would’ve said it first
I never wanted to say it to you
I lost my shape and tooth and shoe
I never wanted to be close to you

I have hoped and failed and frayed
Lost my faith and still knelt and prayed
That someone would feel the same
You’re not the one to blame

I know it was out of pity
Admit it now that we’re parted by a city
It is okay I know you never meant it
But still I’m glad you said it

People come and go and things change
You and I know, but still you’re skinny, pretty like snow
I’m taller, voice deeper now
The moral or cause and effect
My core is frozen from neglect
I never meant to make you this way
But everyone I meet I frustrate

Could we just be friends and lovers too?
Is there way to hold you close from a distant view?
Could we say one thing and mean another
Can I be your friend and your lover?

Without touch or feel
No need to say it for it to be real
Just the same as before but with a new name
As happy and care free

Will there ever be a day like those before?
If it were up to me I would take back my words
****** in stone of memory
There’s no way is there?

The things you know about me
What concern I have for you
The things I know too
Connect and disconnect against skies true

I never did and never will
I never said I never killed
But I want you now
More than I can, girl

I never was, still am not
But you’re in my heart: a blood clot
I’ve promised myself now
I’m still sorry here, there and how

I’ve found a way, a bridge to cross
There’s a toll and I’m a lack of cost
There’s a road but we’re lost
At least I am, without you here

The water is murky and black
I’ve got my secrets hung up on a torture rack
So just forgive me, I’ll take it back
I never meant it in the first place

Now I can’t forget your face
So take it away, for good and gone
Or cash it in, pay this pawn; I do to miss her, still and by myself
Oh dearly how I can’t forget
How I wish you’d just beget
Yourself to me in a pretty package

I never tried to do it right
But now I want to, want you
Just be my friend again
Back to that simple love

I wish we were friends again
I need your advice sometimes
Then I remember that we don’t speak
Bury then, I seldom preach

Blurrier the blizzard is
But I can’t forgive
So don’t lose any more weight
We can just let the rest be left to fate

Waiting for a storm to crumple up this mess
I need you now more than I have ever
So come back
I’ll be good

I miss that time
when all your words
were mine

mine
mine
mine
all mine

I am an *******
I admit it
I've been one since before I can remember
I never loved you, or her... or anybody
I just use and take and strip and steal
Until I feel all I want to feel

I was addicted to the shape of your lips
The curve of your hips
the pale pink that blushed your snowy skin
I was addicted to her torture
the way she'd tell me no
but never ask me not to ask again

I am an *******
I admit it
But be honest, is there anyone who really isn't?

I still love the smell of rain
Despite it reminding me of you
I still laugh and feel okay
Despite what's happened between us
I'll forget about you soon
I guess this is what you really wanted
I won't miss how you blow things out of proportions
I won't remember you at all soon
I'll forget your name
And then your face
i'll run into you on the street
And it will seem like nothing happened
I'm a talented amnesiac when it comes to things like you
To be honest I was never really upset about you
If I'm being frank
If I'm being true
It was about her knowing
That I was going to *******