My first wife went with a guy called Bob,
The carpet cleaning guy,
The second left with a man called Rob,
She said I was far too shy,
The third, an exotic dancer, I
Had met dancing round a pole,
And she took off with a guy called Sly
With a band called ‘Rock ‘n Roll.’

I never seemed able to keep them
Once I’d signed on the dotted line,
For everything in my bank account
Would suddenly be, ‘That’s mine!’
They’d take the house and they’d take the car
And they’d take my only suit,
The one that I had married them in,
(I’ve never been that astute!).

So I swore off women and wedding bells,
And lived in a boarding house,
I thought I’d keep myself to myself,
Was quiet as any mouse,
The landlady was a tall ash-blonde
Who would prowl outside my door,
At ten each night she would want to fight,
‘Come wrestle me on the floor!’

She’d married a German Wrestler,
Whose name was ‘Attack-Me Karl’,
He’d watch for tenants, flirting his wife,
And then you would hear him snarl,
So I’d keep the lock on my door up-tight
When his wife tapped on my door,
‘I’m not going to let you in tonight
While Attack-Me Karl’s abroad!’

I met Elaine in the common room
Where she made me toast and tea,
She’d wait ‘til it was quiet as a tomb,
Come over and sit by me,
She said that I fascinated her,
For I’d not even made a pass,
And Sundays, she would follow me out
Sprawl next to me on the grass.

She told me she was free as a bird,
Was anyone’s there to choose,
She’d drop her top while sunning herself
While I stayed lost in my muse.
She said divorce was a terrible thing
That marriage was sanctified,
I told her I’d not marry again
And she lay on the grass, and cried.

I moved to live in a river flat
And she moved right in with me,
I said, ‘You come and go as you please,’
And gave her a duplicate key.
We’ve lived together for twenty years
And she’s never looked at a man,
But marriage has never been on the cards,
It’s not been part of the plan.

She stays because she can walk away,
She stays because she is free,
She says she’d love to be married again,
While I say, ‘Not to me!’
I think that women are too perverse
To be held to an altar vow,
She has no genuine hold on me
Though I love her, even now!’

David Lewis Paget