Stop trying to make me feel better
With all of the
"I'm sorry for your loss" crap
Maybe you mean it
Maybe you just do not know what else to say
But neither do I.

Is it possible, perhaps
Just not to bring it up
Until I ask?
What if I am not ready to talk?

Anyways, don't be sorry for me.
This is all my fault
That everyone is upset
That my mom is in pain.

I told her things would be just fine
When she was crying on the phone
The night he was admitted

I said
Don't worry,
He's probably just dehydrated.
I'm sure he'll be better in the morning.

I went to bed that night
Truly believing things would be okay.
He was this strong force
This army man
He wasn't allowed to die, right?
That kind of thing doesn't happen that quickly
Does it?

Well, apparently it does
Because he died the next day.
And I am such a ******* liar
For telling her it would be okay.

Stop asking about why
I don't want you to be with him.
No, it's not because I'm bitter
Or because he broke my heart
(Neither of which are the case, by the way)

He assaulted me.
He did not hurt me the way you think he did
Emotionally
He mentally and sexually abused me

No one knows, or ever will.
I refuse to deal with it.
A lot of the time,
It's not even on my mind
Unless I see him face to face
And my body goes into survival mode.

Then there is the question of
Was it assault?
There is too much of a grey area
For me to do anything about it.

I learned from the first time
That the law generally doesn't work in your favor
If you wait this long to bring it up.

Stop telling me I'll be okay.
Stop calling me pessimistic:
Stop saying I brought it upon myself.

Stop judging situations
That you know nothing about.