every time I go outside to light up I think of you
every stomach groan
every passing glance from people I should remember by now
all my teeth held open
gaping in awe

last night I dreamt I fell down
I dreamt I fell down and then they nailed me to their holy ground

when I woke up I called for you but you weren't there
I wanted your embrace and I wanted to lay my head in your lap and blow smoke out of my nose and laugh at jokes that only I knew the punchline to

I wanted to change and you gave me that
I sharpened a blade
I heated it up, sterilized it
just like you showed me
the same hands that brought me relief tore into my muscles this time
I limped to you
I crawled to you
I've licked my wounds and saliva is no good anymore

I am sorry for who I am and everything that I've done
if you're reading this you ought to know that
I've never owned a gun