i'm trying to tell my body that it's just a body and that you are just a body and that i can let go and that i can tell you to leave. and i told you that i don't know how to do much, i don't know how to stay and i also don't know how to leave and i also don't know what to do when i get the feeling that you're leaving and i know i'm not making much sense but you need to leave because i don't know how. i also don't know how to tell you that i'm not the type of rain that's meant to kiss in, i'm the type of rain that you're supposed to run inside to avoid. i told you i love you and that my lungs hurt from trying to not hyperventilate and this hurts me more than it could hurt anybody else but when i'm with you, i try to stop my hands from shaking and i try not to make eye contact with you and i can't spit out most of what i want to tell you and that's really sad because i have so many stories to tell and so many questions to ask and i can't tell you why this happens but i'm going with i love you too much. and you just stood there. i don't know if it was because you wanted me to say more or to shut up or because you never heard me say that much in such a short time period but you just stood there. and when you started walking towards me i knew you probably blocked out my voice by then and i realized you're the reason for gravity. at least my gravity. you're the thing keeping me anchored to the ground. i tried my hardest to push you away but every time i pushed too hard my knuckles started bleeding apologies that i know you don't like hearing and now you're not here but you're not gone and i miss you.