pixelated images
memories of a lost child
all grown up.
she stares into the camera
asking where I have been…
finding profile pics
of years gone by.
estranged is so strange
when faced with the reality
my little girl exists.
dreams shift as new ideas seed
the same old mantra rings again
“Maybe when she is 18 she will look me up”
…today that seems a lot to put on a child.
my mind whirls
as I try to make sense of new information
who I am to everyone else
what I represent to my children by marriage
where in the world do I get the nerve to think
when the answer seems so obvious
how can I continue to live in this place
why did I choose this –

important lessons are rarely smooth

looking back at the written word I am transported
she five, and I fresh in my sobriety
unsure and uneasy
both of us.
contemplating the damage of a second 10 year absence
I put the phone down
and reflect on my options
at the very least
I have time