do you remember
when you were beautiful, & I a beast?
now you're dutiful. I'm only a barista.
when a message was all we had
when our words were shattered glass
when you were popping codiene
& I was just ghosting.
if I walked past you, would it matter?
if I stopped asking, would it still hurt?

do you wonder
when I'll smoke less cigarettes
or stop hating my silhouette
on the floorboards?
now I do.
when love was a click away
when a drink could forget yesterday
when I ate only cold meat
& I washed my hair on Jesus' feet.
if I keep moving rocks around, will I go forward?
if I buy less, will I get more?

do you dream about
when you'll wake from nightmares in my arms?
now, you're doing the program, doing time
when I'm looking at the clock spin circles around me
when I am cold & bruised & beat
when we're alone or lonely
& I wonder if it's love or mutual obsession.
if I say 'never', will wrong prove me?
if I get better, won't I still bleed?