there’s smoke on my breath again
& everyone looks at me like i disappoint
i’m still trying to be better than i was
bandage my wounds
but every ugly thought splits them open
my head is fraying,
ripping at the seams
i don’t know how to fix this.

i don’t care that my heart beats off tempo anymore
not even when i’m certain it’ll give out
maybe i’m just waiting
for a sudden seize
& then nothing at all.
maybe i’d like
nothing more.

maybe it’s getting bad again
i don’t know
i don’t know
but the nights are sleepless
& my head spins when i stand too fast
my body is tired
my brain is giving up.

tonight i need to forget myself
but i can’t bring myself to say
i need you
i won’t tell you i’m aching
& all i need is your voice,
your words,
your soothing songs.
i won’t tell you.

so i’ll lie awake again,
swathed in sheets,
playing with what-ifs and worst-cases
i’ve been playing with sharp things
far too long now
but tonight,
i want that calm again.