it's not as neat as you'd hoped it would be
not as clinical

when you left the hospital, they'd told you that it would be difficult

you hadn't believed them

but now, as you stand under the harsh spray of the shower
under water that's been cold for an hour now
you believe them

you'd felt like you'd been choking
air thick with steam and
some form of unhappiness that just won't go away
so you were choking
but you wouldn't leave
eyes shut tight against what you hoped wasn't there
leaning against the white tiles lining the wall
barely breathing
but now
as the ice-cold water hits your face and chest
you're not breathing at all

it's too painful, you'd told them
but they hadn't listened

the crushing weight of this anxiety
that you can't get rid of
keeps you from turning off the shower and stepping out

it ends with you shivering against the floor
rigid from the cold
but at least you can't think anymore
at least you can't think