I haven't written in months, as I avoid running into you in my thoughts
I was trying to forget you, but I realize that you appear nonetheless
Just there at my most vulnerable when my mind flounders over the past
There you remain and lie in wait
knowing your presence leads to
dominance.

I abhor you for interfering with my thoughts
As I approach the fall into a slumber you are there
In unforeseen trickles that cause my eyes to slam open
Your slow creep brings the wash of shame and the grip of fear

Shame, in that I let you treat me the way you did
And that I didn't run, but remained standing beside you
After humorous encounters turned to frightening obedience
Pain became the game for you as I struggled to gain my footing

Wicked smiles made my heartbeat far too fast
As I tried to anticipate your needs to avoid an unjustified punishment
Or at least a less severe grip of your hands and the bruises that followed
As they strained to grip tightly to inflict your own sorrow

As I spin through the whirlwind of memories, they leave me stilled
For I cannot seem to recall a time with you that wasn't painful
Emotionally crippling or fearfully violent, I shudder at the moments
That I thought I was in love.