I have counted the number of days that I have worn black for him.
Count my fingers:
Ten digits out of my ten.
For ten days,
I mourned the death of him,
For the departure of his soul from his physical body.
I was on my knees for too long
That I do not even remember its original state.
Forgive me, Father,
For I have sinned.
I have mourned too long over the loss of a loved one,
Mourned too long for a lost love that cannot ever be found,
One that flew too far;
I lost all communication to it,
My brain that was once intertwined with my heart
Was now separated,
And I can no longer remember how to comprehend this loss.
Forgive me, Father,
For I have mourned too much for something that seemed irreplaceable.
I have become too selfish,
Too vain,
And I know you said
That love is patient,
That love is always kind,
That love is never boastful,
But forgive me, Father,
For I have loved him too fast
When all I wanted was to love him slowly,
Slower than the hands of Father Time
Is ticking too fast,
Too quickly for my mouth to catch,
And it has left a bitter after taste on my tongue.
I cannot count how many frown lines,
How many stretch marks,
How many scars
I have etched onto my skin.
See,
I am too vain.
I have become too aware of this appearance,
This mask that conceals me,
And I was drawn to his skin
And the way it was flawless
Even with the whipped blood on his back
And the way his shoulders slumped
From the weight of his burdens.
I wanted to wash his pain away,
To erase them from his sanity
And keep it to myself for safekeeping.
See,
I loved him more than myself.
I would have given up my everything for his happiness,
I would have kept him from all the hurt,
From all the sin he ran away from,
I wanted him for my own selfish needs.
I would have kept him alive
For the sake of me
And in spite of you.
Forgive me, Father,
For I have sinned a great deal
And I pray that you forgive me for them.
I have mourned too long for something that was never real,
I was tempted by the smell of something sweet,
Something delightful
And it was right in the midst of your perfect haven.
Forgive me, Father,
For I was too weak to turn away from the temptation,
And now I am being punished for this foolish mistake.
For ten days,
I mourned for the missing part of me.
The hands that he held so tightly before
Were now replaced by the beads of the chain
That surrounded my tiny neck,
And each shift of my dainty fingers
Make the pressure more unbearable.
Each prayer I give out to the sky
Have been left unanswered;
All my wishes have been left in the dark corners of the church corridors.
The syllables of each rehearsed word I utter
Have formed scarlet welts in my back,
Please
Forgive me, Father,
For mourning him for too long,
Even if it was a day more than you wanted me;
I just did not want him to go,
To leave me behind on this earth,
When I could have been with him
For much longer.