sometimes when I hold your hand I'm not sure whether I want to kiss you or strangle you.

people talk about heartbreak
like it is the most beautiful thing.

but there is nothing beautiful about the salty rivers that run down your cheeks at one in the morning when you hold their letters to your chest.
there is nothing beautiful about shaking and anger and breathlessness and an anxiety so deep you think it will consume you.
there is nothing beautiful about thousands of text messages carefully formulated and then deleted
or the sense of worthlessness that comes after.
there is nothing beautiful about choking on sobs or the metallic tang of blood in the air.

*there is nothing beautiful about a person who is so consumed in love for someone else
that they have forgotten who they are.