dear boy,
(it seems appropriate to call you nothing but boy
even though you have a name in my head)
i wish i could say i'm sorry and i miss you
but i am not sorry
and i do not miss you.
without you i am weightless
i am free.
(this was supposed to be an apology, but i am only mortal, after all)
but i am sorry for all the times you told me that you loved me
and i responded in kind
(while feeling nothing)
and i am sorry for the times i held you and pretended to care
(even though we both knew i was empty inside)
i am sorry i did not tell you to let me go sooner
(that you were weighing me down)
i am sorry for the pointless kisses
(that built up to the deep revulsion i have for you today)
most of all
i am sorry for not having the courage to let you know sooner
(and less indirectly).

please write my name on your low-tar cigarettes
and smoke me away.