All of these things that I write
And every word therein
Are more for my self than anyone else
They are advice to my self
Even when they may seem otherwise
Especially when pain is the only reminder that I'm awake
I am talking my way out of the places my mind takes me
The remedy for what ails me
And sometimes, hopelessness having it's way
I know that there are brighter days ahead
For they call to me
Giving me reason to hope at all
Even on the days I am my own worst enemy
But, sometimes one cannot break free of one's cell
Unless every inch of such is explored
For shadows do not always bring demise
More often than not, they bring answers
Sometimes found within the questioning despair
Strength never comes without experience
And victory never comes without a fight
But, even the losses are victories
For I learn more about my self
And what I can endure
What breaks me, and what makes me stronger
Fear does not mean weakness
Failure does not mean defeat
Just as victory does not mean success
It all depends on the lessons that come thereafter
And the intent of each attempt
Because sometimes what I want is not mine to have
Even when it is something everyone desires in their own way
Though mind and heart cannot agree
Sometimes suffering hand in hand
Sometimes content in the joy of desires unobtained
But, always waiting...
Longing...
Dreaming...
Lamenting......
Rejoicing
For, even in wishes ungranted
Dreams yet untrue
Nightmares revisited and unresolved
It is the knowledge of beauty
There are still things in this world worth suffering for
There is still wonder and magic in the midst of chaos
There is still strength in my weakness
Pleasure despite my pain
Smiles in calamity
And the only way to defuse the effects of my depression
Is to study every aspect of emotion
Mainly, those most volitile to my mental destruction
Disarming sadness by personal description
Metaphores and precise actualities
Spoken not by the creative mind
But by the afflictions of my soul
Turning the darkness upon itself
Before I completely turn on my self