my tears spread my makeup down my cheeks and leave messages for me in a language i wish i didn't speak.
they tell me that i am not good enough, never good enough.
i have gone a long time without crying for him but all it takes is one photograph and i am a victim of loneliness again, and again, and again.
i learned how to cry silently to myself when he moved to town, because that was right about the time i started losing all my friends,
and now everyone that i talked to is gone and i have a new group to eat lunch with but it is different and i am different.
there are 7,216,737,659 people in the world at this moment and he is with two and i am with zero but i cannot stop thinking about one.
out of all the cities, why did he come to ours?  there are only a hundred kids in every grade and so he was guaranteed to make a splash but i didn't know he was cannon balling into my blood, i thought it was just a pool.
but that's what sharks do, they smell blood, and when he came i was so desperate to be loved that i would have bled myself dry for his attention.
it took me four months to start betraying my friends for him, five to start telling him their secrets and now after fourteen he won't make eye contact with me because i got so attached to the idea of having somebody that i got too close and i got blood on his favorite shoes.
so maybe he's not a vampire, but he really *****.
the only thing you can count on him for is his inability to show up for things that matter to you.  he will let you down time and time again like he is a ski lift that only goes one way and like the mechanic has been too busy to get around to fixing him,
and i will keep riding that lift because the hill is steep and i am probably not a good skier anyways.
when he lets me down on nights like these, i often wish i could just wipe my own memory.
i have seen stories of girls who swim in shark infested water, and they always lose something important, like an arm, or a leg.
i just hope i don't lose him.