I struggle with the delicate dichotomy
between forgiveness and respecting myself.
And sometimes when I feel the ground slipping, shaking
under my feet , I want to give up
give in
use 'forgive' to justify my weakness.
And then all the poisonous voices
that are screaming at me,
pounding my windows and rattling my walls
would be allowed back in.
And I would **** up their venom
but at least I wouldn't be so tired.
Because it takes so much energy when my enemies throw forgiveness in my face,
combat me with calls to love, forgive, to let them in,
and I have to say, 'Not today.'
And I feel like a terrible person.
Dancing on that thin line between forgiving
and letting others walk all over me.
And if I keep confusing the two,
if I don't figure it out soon,
I'm afraid I may be trampled.
But today I still sit here, inside my own heart,
peering out the holes and trying to decipher which faces are genuine.
But either way someone will always tell me I'm wrong.
So I have to choose my own path.
Where forgiveness doesn't mean what you did was okay.
It just means that I can be strong and weak and trampled and whole.
And in the end it has nothing to do with you.
So stop telling me to or not to because I will decide.
And maybe I will let go of my hatred, my anger
but I will not move back.
I'll move on.
That can be forgiveness too.
The most beautiful kind, where I don't have to sacrifice my self-love to please you.