Feb 2014
but at the same time, it worries me.
what if you don't think I'm worth
figuring this out? and you want someone
to just be there and laugh with, for easy access
and I'm too complicated and carry too much baggage?
my biggest fear is when I tell you how I feel
you'll say, "nope, can't deal with that." and just
emotionally check out. like what y'all did to that
other guy who had a crush on E. simple solution:
ignore him and make him feel isolated, alienated
until his feelings go away.
I'm so scared you don't value me enough to
even want to spend time with me.
and I can't be absolutely sure how you feel
and you probably don't even care particularly about my welfare.
maybe I'm just imagining you'd be willing to work
on our friendship, even.
maybe I'm just imagining you ever valued me as much as I valued you.
and the worst part is that I can picture you reading this, shrugging, shaking your head and saying, "she's right. I really don't care that much."
what if you don't think I'm worth
figuring this out? and you want someone
to just be there and laugh with, for easy access
and I'm too complicated and carry too much baggage?
my biggest fear is when I tell you how I feel
you'll say, "nope, can't deal with that." and just
emotionally check out. like what y'all did to that
other guy who had a crush on E. simple solution:
ignore him and make him feel isolated, alienated
until his feelings go away.
I'm so scared you don't value me enough to
even want to spend time with me.
and I can't be absolutely sure how you feel
and you probably don't even care particularly about my welfare.
maybe I'm just imagining you'd be willing to work
on our friendship, even.
maybe I'm just imagining you ever valued me as much as I valued you.
and the worst part is that I can picture you reading this, shrugging, shaking your head and saying, "she's right. I really don't care that much."
and if you read this, you'd probably get mad at me, like 'sorry I can't be that for you,' and 'That's just how I am,' and 'what right do you have to make me feel guilty about this?' and maybe that's why you wouldn't be willing to work things out, because 'that's just how you are' and you wouldn't be willing to compromise for anybody and are just waiting for someone who will work perfectly with you. which, I guarantee, will not happen. all you can hope for is someone who loves and supports you enough to try and work perfectly with you.
