And my friends don't know
What I'm going through
I just want to fast forward
And make it better
I want a smile on my face
That isn't plastered on
And I hate myself for being
One of THEM, ....
Those poor me im sad
People I love to mock
But here I am
And I feel it
It isn't even sadness
It's pain and sorrow
And I wish my heart felt different
Than it does when it beats inside
My chest
Because it feels off
And it hurts and is sick
And tired of beating
And living.
I want to give up give up
But I can't I have everything
I'm going through
And I hate myself for everything
Because its all my fault
All of it
All my pain and sorrow
Was caused by me!
And I don't know how to fix it.
I picture a blade
Going on my wrist and I feel
My body want it.
I picture taking antidepressants
And I feel my body
Get excited for the blanket
Of gray it could have with it.
I picture a counselor
From god knows where
Who will listen
And hold me when I cry,
And I start to cry when thinking of it.
I picture Mykayla,
Who is always there for me,
But sometimes I jus want her
To wrap her arms around me
And love me
And I want to feel it
Because I alway knew it was there
But I could never receive it.
I want to now.
But now it's too late.
I picture a gun
And a thrill goes through my body
Thinking of the hard metal
At my temple.
I think of the notes I'd have to write
And I think of all the reasons why
But none of them
Could forgive me.
So I guess I will just sit here
And cry
And hurt.
Because I can choose absolutely
None of those solutions.