Unpredictable …

Inconsistent…

Incoherent?

My heart feels heavy,
My chest heavy making it difficult to breathe,
Making me feel dizzy and disjointed.
I wish people could see inside of me,
Understand me,
But they don’t, they can’t.
And so I write in words,
What they cannot see.
I write to express that which I am unable to speak.
I write to express my feelings.
When I'm in this place I am now,
It's difficult to be with people,
Even those who show love,
Even those who show understanding.
I long for compassion

But I feel shameful and undeserving of care.

I'm agitated and on edge.

I'm searching for a word…
I'm thinking,
You're thinking.
Is there morbid pleasure in wallowing in dark thoughts?

Sometimes there's this feeling inside of me that I don't completely comprehend. I know that there must be hope. And yet I wonder why I feel like I want to give everything up and fade away-
leave it all behind.
No words of comfort can pacify the waves within me- no reading of anything enlightening can change the feeling- no warm hug could erase that enigmatic feeling. No- nothing seems to be working to get me back to my wandering feet. I just feel so detached from everything and everyone.

I wish I no longer existed.
Life is a conundrum.
Do I even have all of the pieces?