there are so many words i should have said to you.
front and center, i never had any idea what it meant to care for another;
i just wanted to love you so eagerly and you made it
too easy
to laugh so obnoxiously with a terribly light heart;
to listen so carefully with no judgement in my brain;
to look you in the eye with no nerves shuddering down my spine.
left and right, i feel like i should have chased after you.
with these words that eroded the back of my throat
and burnt the roof of my mouth,
alas,
there are quiet 'i love you's beneath my tongue and
'no one ever hurt me quite like you did's on the insides of my cheeks,
eating my flesh and burning my insides.
i wanted to rip open my chest and break open my ribs,
hand you what's inside and only hope that you, too, could feel
see
understand
just how much i've missed you since our last 'goodbye's.

with each person who begs me to creak a bit open,
allow them a peak inside
from within these sudden walls that suddenly stand so tall, too tall between us,
i begin to realize how hurt i've allowed myself to feel after you.
running my fingers over these scars, they stretch around my body
further and deeper than i initially ever thought.
with months between our last forced conversation and today,
and weeks since the last time i've yearned for your skin,
i am sure i will never want you again-
to reign such hurt on my heart again.
but these words, they sit impatiently and loudly inside of me,
begging to be heard
painfully waiting for their turn to roll off my tongue,
press against the temples of your head and be understood.

i could never run after you,
i don't know why you ran in the first place;
i hate that men and women think so differently;
i am constantly conflicted between "it's not my job to chase after you"
and "maybe he never cared at all in the first place";
these words, like people
are used a million times over
but that does not change the beauty that they hold.

a cliche darling,
but i care so much about your feelings that
i would never impose my own on you.