I needed to know
if I had any power,
so I blocked off my heart
and found the fastest way into yours.
I got you to let me in,
and let you think my laughter
was about having you back
instead of about what it was.

It was about watching you care
when I knew that I didn't.

I thought I was having fun
playing with your heart
in the exact same ways
that you had played with mine.

I thought I wanted
to make you hurt
cause you hurt me.

But then it worked.

I took it too far
because I still didn't think you cared
and I told you I felt nothing
as you were about to tell me you loved me.
And you sat back and closed your eyes
and that was when I knew:
you didn't mind that I didn't feel the same.
You didn't feel the same either.

But last night you almost kissed me,
until you stopped and pushed me away again.
And I never could have expected
what you told me next.

But then I got what I wanted,
and I realized how much you hurt,
and everything in me shattered
hearing your voice break.

And there have been far too many apologies
so I'm not sure if this one will even mean anything to you
but I can't say sorry enough
for wanting to hurt you
when you're the one who matters the most to me.