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Feb 2014
It was just you and I the moment dawn tinged the edge of the sky with vibrant colors.
Our backs to the rest of the world, we were fighters, two friends battling the rest of humanity though we knew we could only trust each other.
Together we faced the perils of depression and loneliness with our hands clasped, eyes locked, hearts synced.
Questioning reality frequently, wondering if there was another world out there where we knew one another. Another place much kinder, more open to our dreams.
We stood over the shadows in the abyss and shone so brightly we blinded the sun.
I taught you how to dance, to kiss, to exist in ways you were awkward to at first. I can recall moments in time when you didn’t mind the ****** way my hair had turned a fiery shade of orange because that's what happens when you mix plum and blonde.
On the 4th of July in the elementary school parking lot 2 years ago you tried to convince me that this reality was false.
Delivering this ideal with such conviction and intelligence you almost succeeded.

Sometimes I dream that you were right.

I step back to reflect upon your face and the deep pensive blue of your eyes.
I remember how sometimes your hands were clammy and even though I thought that was gross I still held them.
We cuddled close during movies, any opportunity, thriving off the attention and affection, as if a physical touch could possibly be enough to heal our broken parts.
What naive, blind hopeful creatures we were.
I gave the credit of opening my eyes and my heart to someone else when in all reality it was you, with your gentleness and soft uncertain voice and warm fingers twined with mine.

There were summers spent indecisively deciding if I wanted to keep you in my life like you wanted me in yours.
Times where I dragged both our hearts through rocks and glass trying to decide what the hell was going on, what I wanted, what was best.
Moments where our friendship caused us more internal stress and agony than it did peace.
As it dwindled toward a drawn out end I had a revelation, knew what it was doing..
had done, to you.
Its a hard thing to recognize your own toxicity when desperately clinging to friendships, what we both wanted was killing us, slowly but surely, closing in with thorns around our throats, hands, hearts,  

I still remember when the sun began to burn us back and our light flickered and dimmed against its harsh rays. The tightness of our  fingers clasped slowly went lax,
I gave you room to pull away, but for some reason you held fast,  clung to my fingers like invisible strings held us together, like you’d die if I wasnt there to hold you.
Your emotional state continued to compromise itself, worsening the longer we were tied to one another.
This left us with a single choice, the alternative was unacceptable
A decision that would flush our exposed hearts clean with a acid fire and erode our hands till they fell apart and broke away.

Mountains trembled and crumbled beneath my feet, I feigned my gaze to different horizons and I hoped, that in time yours would too.
I ruined us.
Ripped our stitches messily out until we bled clear
Our voices cracking like crumbling cities, structures breaking with distress, shaking with the magnitude of the San Francisco earthquake that set fire to an entire coast
How we failed to make something permanent in a time when we knew nothing lasted, how we'd attempted in vain to pursue and maintain something destined to break.
Nina Messina
Written by
Nina Messina  27/Non-binary/Pittsburgh
     purple orchid and Santiago
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