it's as if we are children again, and I am lying perfectly still, playing dead, waiting for the tap of sticky fingers on the back of my hand so I can stop pretending. it's hard to stay static for so long, even if you are making a home for when I visit, even if you are setting out two plates, two pillows every night, even if I am the river and you are the bank, it makes no difference if I am not enough to flood you over.

I would will new ground to walk on if that is what's keeping me away. I would train my tongue to never form the word goodbye. I would get a proper haircut, I would gain some perspective, I would learn japanese, if all those things meant growing up and growing up meant getting up on crooked knees to run with you.