I'm in that moment where.... I'm angry.
I'm angry because I don't feel the way i want to
and it happens just like that - I think about the needle.
I think about how everything fades away when its near me.
just that MOMENT, right before it touches me.
because after ***** too.
just that MOMENT.
and I keep thinking and thinking and thinking about it.
and I keep trying to put my mind somewhere else but it wont go.
Now I'm sifting through a drawer not even sure what I'm looking for.
In my mind I'm probably looking for non-existent drugs, or a needle.
But in reality I opened the drawer to put a stamp on my letter...
so really I can't find ****.
I can't even see.
I'm just thinking. thinking way too much.
Thinking myself into a black hole of all the possibilities.
All the ways i could go about doing this.
And all the ways i know it would ****.
And all the ways i kinda think i dont care.
its going to pass. but this is the strongest that its ever been.
The desire, i mean.
I feel scared, and ugly, and stupid, and weak.
but ****, I really don't know.
I just need to get out of myself.
of that, I'm sure.
do I ever get to forget about this feeling?
It really isn't right, how my body takes over my mind
and i lose it.
and then i lose it all.